Embracing Change: Processing Emotions and Affirming Your Loved One's Queer or Trans Identity

When a loved one comes out as queer or trans, it can bring about a mix of emotions and reactions. It's essential to remember that this moment is not only about you but also about your loved one who has taken a brave step in sharing their authentic self. Processing and navigating these emotions can be challenging and require intentional effort. However, it is crucial to prioritize the well-being of those who are coming out, and it starts with understanding that affirmation validates their identity and can greatly improve their mental health.

Take time to process your emotions

It's natural to experience a range of emotions when a loved one comes out as queer or trans. Ideally, you feel excited and honored when a loved one chooses to share their queer or trans identity with you, but you might feel afraid, shocked, confused, disappointed, sad, hurt, or even angry. Whatever feelings come up for you are ok, even if they are negative, as long as you do not inflict your emotions on the person who came out. Even positive reactions can be problematic if they cause you to make the moment about your emotions rather than the other person. It's important to recognize that these emotions are not the fault or responsibility of the individual who came out and that it's necessary to move past them in order to be supportive.

Still, you must allow yourself time on your own to feel these emotions and process them in a healthy and constructive way. Here are a few tips to help you navigate your emotions:

1. Educate yourself. Learn more about LGBTQ+ identities and terminology. Understand the difference between sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression. There are many resources available to help you understand what it means to be queer or trans and how to support those individuals, including:

• GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) promotes LGBTQ+ acceptance and fights discrimination through media advocacy, and offers a comprehensive guide for allies.

• The Trevor Project provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ+ youth as well as educational resources for supporting queer youth.

• PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) offers support, education, and advocacy resources for families and allies of LGBTQ+ individuals.

• Gender Spectrum offers resources and support for understanding and addressing gender diversity in children and teens.

2. Seek support. Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups who may have gone through similar experiences. They can provide valuable guidance and insights. Your local LGBTQ center is a great place to find support groups and build community with other allies.

3. Practice empathy. Put yourself in your loved one's shoes and try to understand their journey. Remember that coming out is a courageous act, and they are trusting you with a significant part of their lives.

The Importance Of Affirmation

Affirmation is the process of acknowledging, valuing, and supporting someone's sexual orientation or gender identity. It lets them know that they are seen, heard, and loved for who they are. Not only is it crucial for their emotional well-being, but it can also lead to positive outcomes such as lower levels of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse among queer and trans individuals.

The importance of affirmation can't be emphasized enough; it is crucial for the mental health and well-being of queer and trans people, especially queer and trans youth and people of color. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), queer youth are more than twice as likely to experience symptoms of depression and anxiety compared to their heterosexual peers. People of color who identify as queer or trans also experience higher rates of discrimination and violence, which can greatly impact their emotional well-being. The Trevor Project’s 2022 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health found that 45 % of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year. Also, nearly 1 in 5 transgender and nonbinary youth attempted suicide and LGBTQ youth of color reported higher rates than their white peers. However, the survey also found that LGBTQ youth who report feeling affirmed at home reported significantly lower rates of attempting suicide (as did those report feeling affirmed at school and those who report living in a community that is accepting of LGBTQ people) than those who do not. The more affirming the better; LGBTQ youth who felt high social support from their family reported attempting suicide at less than half the rate of those who felt low or moderate social support.

How to Affirm Your Loved One

Here are a few ways to be affirming and supportive of your loved one:

1. Practice active listening. It can be difficult for someone who has come out to feel heard and seen. Practice active listening by being attentive, asking questions, and acknowledging their experience. Be open to conversations and genuinely seek to understand their experiences and feelings.

2. Use their preferred name and pronouns: This is a crucial part of affirmation. Using someone's preferred name and pronouns shows that you respect and value their identity. This simple act acknowledges and respects their identity and helps them feel seen and validated.

3. Encourage their self-expression: Support them as they explore their identity and express themselves in ways that make them feel most comfortable.

4. Be an ally, or even better, an accomplice: Stand up against discrimination, challenge misconceptions, and promote inclusivity in your community. Advocate for them. Queer and trans people face discrimination every day. Allies stand with queer folks to advocate for their rights by supporting legislation that pertains to their rights and speaking out against discrimination whenever we see it but never speaking over queer people. However, allyship is sometimes too passive and does not go far enough. Accomplices are more active. As explained in a 2014 zine from IndigenousAction.org, accomplices "don’t just have our backs, they are at our side, or in their own spaces confronting and unsettling colonialism;" they work toward dismantling the structures that oppress queer people — understanding that such work is and must always be directed by queer people. Learn more about how to be an accomplice to queer liberation.

5. Be a safe space. It's essential to make sure that our loved ones feel safe and comfortable being themselves around us. Let them know that they can talk to you about anything and provide reassurance that they are loved and valued.