The Price of Authenticity
Just be yourself. That is probably the first piece of advice most of us ever received. But what does it really mean to be yourself? And what if the person you are is not what society typically values or celebrates? When you aren't a member of the majority (whether that is by virtue of your race, gender, ethnicity, sexuality, or disability) being yourself puts you at odds with what is expected and what is safe. So as a result, people in the minority group find lots of ways to fit in and fly under the radar. Depending on the context, We call it "code-switching," "masking," and a number of other terms that all boil down to modifying your behavior to fit a potentially hostile environment.
“Broadly, code-switching involves adjusting one’s style of speech, appearance, behavior, and expression in ways that will optimize the comfort of others in exchange for fair treatment, quality service, and employment opportunities. Research suggests that code-switching often occurs in spaces where negative stereotypes of black people run counter to what are considered “appropriate” behaviors and norms for a specific environment. ”
“For many neurodivergent people, masking is a survival tool for engaging in neurotypical societies and organizations. Masking (also called camouflaging) is the artificial performance of social behaviors deemed more “socially acceptable” in a neurotypical culture.”
It's easy to see why the work of fitting in, pretending to be something that you are not or behaving in a way that does not come naturally, would be exhausting. Logically, then being ourselves should be easier and a relief. However, that isn't necessarily true when we talk about marginalized people not code-switching or not masking. In those situations, being yourself means giving up the protection of fitting in, making yourself vulnerable, and potentially making yourself a target. For marginalized people, being our authentic selves often unintentionally means breaking rules (spoken and unspoken) of the dominant or default culture —rules that were often put in place specifically to control marginalized groups. For instance, when black people speak in African American Vernacular English (AAVE), they are often perceived as less educated or unintelligent, more vulgar, and potentially violent. In a school or professional setting, speaking in AAVE might mean a lower grade or being passed over for an opportunity. Similarly, when neurodivergent people don't mask, they are often seen as off-putting or antisocial. Code-switching and/or masking makes the dominant group comfortable so that marginalized folks are allowed to access society at large with fewer barriers.
Personally, I live at the intersection of several marginalized identities, which means I'm always calculating which parts of myself will be welcomed and/or shunned in any given situation. I have learned how to subtly change my behavior, my speech, my body language, my attire, and nearly every other part of how I present in the world in order to fit in with the dominant/default culture based on where I am or who I'm with. After 30+ years of life, doing this is as natural to me as breathing and, when I think about not making those constant adjustments, I feel a sense of anxiety and dread. I worry about how much more conflict, bias, and discomfort I might experience if I didn't work hard at fitting in. For me, not code-switching would mean speaking in a mix of AAVE and Jamaican patois as well as standard English. It would also mean being less outwardly agreeable and cheerful. Not masking my neurodivergence would mean allowing myself to visibly fidget and to avoid eye contact. It might also mean not forcing myself to fit a typical 9 to 5 work schedule and also probably missing a lot more deadlines. As much as it would be great not having to constantly police myself in these ways, the thought of having to deal with the aftermath is draining. The prospect also comes with practical concerns about whether I would be able to keep a job or achieve certain personal and professional goals without attempting to fit in.
So, how do we balance being ourselves with the reality of the need to fit in with dominant culture? How do we acknowledge that code-switching and masking are valuable coping skills but also a burden? Finally, how do we take care of ourselves as we pay the price of both trying to fit in and daring to be ourselves?
