From Farewells to Feelings: A Personal Reflection on Healing After Family Separation in Immigration
Photo credit: Palu Malerba
Immigration and mental health are two topics that aren’t often invited to the same dinner party, but they’re more connected than you might think. Frequently painted as a brave pursuit of a better life, moving to a new country can be a thrilling adventure, kind of like starting a new level in a video game—except you’re not always sure what the rules are, and you might not know the language. As exciting as it is to chase new opportunities, there’s a lot more going on under the surface, especially when it comes to the emotional and mental health impact of leaving family behind.
When you dig into the personal stories behind immigration, there's a lot more going on —sacrifices, hard decisions, and the ripple effects that carry through generations. You don’t have to look far for examples of how immigration can lead to family separation, leaving emotional marks that linger for years.
Let's start with my parents’ generation. Back in the mid-1950s, many Caribbean immigrants were encouraged to move to Britain to fill labor shortages; they are known as the Windrush generation. Young children like my dad were often left behind to be raised by grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Left to watch from afar as their parents built new lives in a new country —lives that, for the most part, didn’t include them. In some cases, those families were eventually reunited; in others, the separations were more permanent, the parents going on to build new lives in a new country, essentially starting over and creating new families, largely estranged from the children left behind.
Fast forward to the mid-1990s, and my own story seems to mirror the Windrush generation in some ways. Shortly after my parents and I immigrated to the United States when I was seven, my parents found themselves making tough decisions out of economic necessity, which meant that I was raised largely by my maternal grandmother. Though my parents and I have, thankfully, maintained close, loving relationships, and their sacrifices allowed me to attend a prestigious boarding school and a top-ranked university, the undeniable impact of our separation is something I carry with me.
We’re still seeing stories like this play out again and again today. Whether it’s families fleeing conflict zones or parents leaving their home countries to provide for their kids, the cycle continues in different forms. While there is no global estimate for the number of children left behind by parents who migrate for work, the number is thought to be in the HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS. The recent surge of asylum seekers at borders worldwide, in particular reports of families being separated at the U.S.-Mexico border, has brought this issue into sharp focus, serving as a painful reminder that this isn't a thing of the past. It’s a harsh reminder that while the reasons for migration may vary —from economic opportunities to escaping violence —the emotional toll of leaving family behind remains a constant. It's happening now, and the impacts will echo through these children’s lives, just as it has for me.
The Impact of Family Separation
Immigration and family separation go hand in hand more often than we like to admit. And the emotional toll it takes? It's no joke. Studies show that kids left behind by migrating parents are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues. Growing up without direct parental guidance can create a feeling of loss or a gap in emotional development. The decades-long estrangements that many Windrush families experienced are a testament to how that separation can create emotional scars that can't be easily shaken off, even decades later.
Growing up without one or both parents due to immigration can leave a child feeling lost and confused. Imagine being that child waving goodbye at the airport, not entirely understanding why your mom or dad has to leave. You might hope they’ll come back soon, but as days turn into months, that hope can turn into confusion and maybe even anger. You can’t help but wonder, “Why wasn’t I important enough for them to stay?” Even if they send money or gifts, it can still feel like a personal rejection. That kind of hurt can stick with you for a long time, shaping how you view yourself and your self-worth.
As a teenager, things get even more complicated. This is when you're trying to figure out who you are, and not having your parents around can make that even harder. You might feel resentful toward them for leaving but also guilty for feeling that way, knowing they did it to give you a better life. This can create intense pressure to succeed—maybe you push yourself to get perfect grades or excel at everything because failing feels like letting them down. You’re also caught between two worlds: the culture you live in and the one your parents are building elsewhere. It can leave you feeling like you don’t fully belong anywhere.
Even when you’re cared for by loving relatives, there’s often this feeling of otherness. Your family might do their best, but there’s still a piece missing. It can feel like being a guest in your own life. You see your friends with their parents, and that can sting. You love your grandma or aunt, but they’re not your mom or dad, which can make you feel isolated. You might feel surrounded by love yet still alone as if no one quite understands the piece of your world that’s missing.
Even as an adult, those feelings of separation don’t just disappear. That sense of not fitting in can follow you, showing up in unexpected places like family gatherings or conversations about your parents. It can make you feel like you’re on the outside looking in, even with people who care about you. Early experiences of separation often resurface in subtle but impactful ways. They might show up as a persistent fear of abandonment in relationships, a constant fear that people you care about will leave you, just like your parents did. You might also find yourself carrying an overwhelming and unshakable sense of responsibility, feeling you have to prove that you were worth their sacrifices. This can lead to feeling like you’re never good enough, no matter how much you achieve. It’s exhausting and can make it really hard to relax and enjoy the life you’ve built. Those early experiences of separation leave marks that need attention and care to heal.
How Do We Deal?
To take care of yourself or support someone dealing with the impact of family separation, it's crucial to acknowledge and validate that it is okay to feel sad, angry, or even resentful. Building connections is key. Staying connected with your family through calls, letters, or video chats can bridge the emotional gap. It isn't the same as having them physically present, but keeping that emotional connection alive can help. Therapy can also be incredibly helpful for working through these feelings, and just being there for someone without judgment can make a big difference. Also, creating a sense of belonging in your current environment is important. Getting involved in communities or groups where you feel understood can lessen the feeling of otherness. Practicing self-care, like journaling or engaging in hobbies, can also aid in healing and moving forward.
Finally, be kind to yourself. Healing takes time, and it's okay if the journey is bumpy. Self-care practices like journaling, mindfulness, or spending time on hobbies can be grounding. Remember, it’s not about forgetting the past or pretending it didn’t happen. It’s about finding ways to carry those experiences with you without letting them define you. You’re more than what you’ve been through, and there’s strength in the journey you’ve taken to get where you are now.
