Listen Without Defending - Part 1
Whenever I have a difficult conversation with a loved one, I am reminded of a lesson from my grandmother, who told me to "speak without offending; listen without defending." The first part is fairly straightforward but the second part, listening without defending, is much harder to understand and to achieve. Difficult conversations can bring up emotions like anger, hurt, and fear that make it hard to really listen to what the other person is saying. Instead of responding to the content and intention of what is communicated, we react to the emotions that have come up by impulsively saying or doing things that make us feel better in the moment but do nothing to further communication.
What's the difference between REACTING and RESPONDING?
Picture this:
Your partner says that your long hours at work makes them feel lonely and they ask to spend more quality time together, which makes you feel guilty and overwhelmed because you can't reduce your hours. So, you yell at them and say they're being selfish. Your partner in turn withdraws and the conversation is cut off. Rinse and repeat until you both feel resentful and misunderstood.
That scenario is easy for most of us to imagine because we have all been there. Whether with a romantic partner, friend, coworker, family member, or even a passing stranger, we've all had someone say something to us that elicited an immediate overwhelming emotion in us and caused us to speak or act without thinking or really even listening.
This is called emotional reactivity, which "happens when intense emotions are 'triggered' by an external event. Often, the event leaves you feeling hurt, angry, or defensive. These triggers may cause you to lash out or act impulsively– doing or saying something you later regret."
How can you recognize emotional reactivity in yourself? Here are some signs:
sudden unpredictable mood changes
feelings of powerlessness over what you do or say
feeling rage at any perceived criticism
reactions that are out of proportion to what's happening
saying hurtful things when angry (this can include how you talk to yourself)
On the other hand, emotional responsiveness happens when we are able to acknowledge and regulate our emotions in these moments and actually hear what the other person is trying to communicate. This doesn't mean that we ignore or suppress our emotions. Instead, we make note of them without allowing them to explode. This provides space for us to practice active listening, "attempting to take in what the other is saying at face value. The goal is to understand the message without letting our own biases, thoughts, and emotions get in the way."
Applying this to the earlier scenario, instead of yelling, you would note your feelings of guilt and overwhelm, but pause to hear what your partner is trying to say. You would ask follow-up questions to get full understanding.
Your partner might then be able to explain that they understand that you can't change your hours, but making time to eat dinner together once per week would make them feel less alone. The two of you can then negotiate that possibility and even discuss the feelings that came up for you. Now you both feel heard.
In this version of our scenario, you've displayed the three components of the emotional response, A.R.E.:
Accessibility - remaining open to the other person even during moments of doubt, distress, or feeling insecure
Responsiveness - recognizing and prioritizing emotional signals from the other person and showing that you care
Engagement - showing the other person that you value them and will stay close to them
