Listen Without Defending - Part 2

Last week I explained that active listening is our main tool to avoid emotional reactivity when communicating with others, but what does that look like? How does a person listen actively?

Let's get into it!

Active listening means listening with your whole self, demonstrating that you are listening and engaging your other senses to take in more than just the words a person is saying to you. This is achieved through both physical and verbal cues.

Physical Cues

• Use receptive body language: This is relatively simple. Face the person and look like you want in on this conversation. A good rule of thumb is to turn your body toward the person and use posture that brings you closer to them. Essentially, ​​lean in. Also, avoid crossing your arms or legs because this adds distance and is a physical sign of withdrawal.

• Look at them: The typical advice is to make eye contact, but that can be difficult or feel uncomfortable. Instead, focus on looking at the person rather than away from them. Look at their face and —if/when it is comfortable —look in their eyes.

• Don't multitask: This one can also be difficult for some of us. The main thing is not to be distracted. So, avoid starting or continuing any tasks while you're listening and, if you do need to fidget, stick to things that don't pull away your attention or the other person's. This isn't the time to scroll on your phone or tap loudly on the table.

Verbal Cues

• Encourage: Use words and sounds that show you want the person to continue speaking. Examples: "yes," "ok," "uh huh"
  Don't overdo it, though. You can't listen if you're talking!

• Question & Clarify: These are similar but have an important distinction. When "questioning," you'll ask for additional information that expands on what the person has said. When "clarifying," you're seeking to understand something that has been said. For instance, you might ask what something means or seek confirmation that you heard correctly.

• Reflect & Summarize: Here, you are showing you heard, remember, and (hopefully) understand what the person is saying. You do this by paraphrasing or closely repeating what they have said in other words (reflecting), and by highlighting their main points (summarizing). This also confirms that you received their intended message and gives them an opportunity to try again if you haven’t.

  
  ***Accessibility note: If you, like me, are neurodivergent, or these active listening cues are difficult for you for any reason, communicate that and do what you can. Real communication can't happen if you are focusing on performing/masking rather than actually being present. **